Forgiveness and the Pursuit of Happiness

Been gone for a minute now I'm back with the jumpoff....yea...whatever.

Check it: I find transitions in life absolutely astounding. Relationships, career, family, etc etc etc. How can something start out so beautiful and end so suddenly in a blink of an eye? I don't get it. I recently ended a relationship with a person I thought was my soulmate. I honestly thought that he and I were going to be married for forever and a day and live in total bliss. We were, in fact, living that image for exactly a year. As soon as the "one year and a day" mark hit...it was over. Not really sure what happened there. I have people from all over the place coming up to me inquiring the dumbest things. "WHAT HAPPENED???" Isn't it obvious? We broke up. That's what happened. "But..I just saw you two together two days ago!" While I do understand the public's "concern" for a couple who was seemingly the epitome of black love, I would think that it should occur to some that perhaps the "event" of it all is so shocking for a reason. Of course there is a period where you have to get him/her out of your system so that you can get to the "just friends" level. But it is, in fact, possible for two people to break up and be friends. "Why do you seem so happy? Shouldn't you be sad?" What for? If I wanted to be sad, I'd still be in the situation I just removed myself from. DUH! "Aren't you pissed at him?" Um...no. Why have animosity? There's no need. We're not in middle school here, you know.

Yes, he did some things that hurt me. Quite a few in succession, actually. He knows what he did and I would like to believe that he understands that it was him that ultimately caused the end of our relationship. But he didn't break my heart. And for that, I must give him his credit. All in all he's a good guy and I forgive him for the things he did. I'm woman enough to have gotten to that level. The funny thing about all this is that a song released in '94 by and artist named Gabrielle called "Dreams" got me here. But the song has absolutely nothing to do with breaking up and forgiving someone. It's actually about finally finding the person you've dreamed of for so long. This is the verse that got to me:

Do you hear what I'm saying, gotta say how i feel
I can't believe you're here, but I know that you're real
I know what I want, and baby it's you
Can't deny my feelings because they are true

As you can see...the song has no relation at all to this situation. LOL. So, I really don't know how it helped me...I just know that it did. Perhaps I took it as I would rather have him as my friend than to waste the energy being mad at him. Those are my feelings and they are very much true. Can't deny them so I might as well let it be known. Thanks, Gabrielle!

If ever you've harbored anger and pain at someone, it is such a gift to yourself to be able to release it and simply forgive. That doesn't mean you forget it, because if you forget, you will undoubtly allow it to happen again. It's perfectly okay to refuse such treatment, but just getting that monkey off my back honestly brings tears to my eyes. It takes so much more energy to be angry and spiteful toward someone than it takes to forgive and let God handle the situation. As Mandisa from American Idol said to Simon Cowell: "You don't have to hear someone say they're sorry to forgive them." Such a powerful statement.

I find it disgusting that the instant his male counterparts discovered I was on the market again, they busted out of the woodwork trying to claw at me. He's probably got the same thing going on with his "groupies" as I call them. I mean, honestly....can I get at least a month to breathe? Geez. One of his "boys" came up to me this afternoon and actually said these words to me: "Yea, I know you two didn't work out, but um...wassup with me and you?" WTF? You've got to be kidding me! That is absolutely repulsive.

We had a beautiful relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend, but what was the best thing about us was that we were genuinely BEST friends above and beyond anything else. I'm almost certain that we will continue to have a great friendship in due time. He gave me more good times than bad times. He showed me what being in love was truly all about and for all those memories, I sincerely thank him.

There's Something About Chris

There's something about that Chris Brown guy. I really like him. Trade mags and industry insiders alike are calling this guy the new Michael Jackson. The Golden Child. The Saviour of Pop R&B. He's on the cover of Vibe after only two radio singles. Even Urrsher himself is endorsing the brother. You know Chris Brown has got to be a bad mutha...shut cho mouf! if Mr. MJ Wannabe himself is prepared to relinquish the title he has so publically condemned the likes of Justin Timberlake and Omarion for trying to take away from him.

Yes, I heard his first single, "Run It" and I thought it was just another well- produced, radio ready mega club jam that people like L.A. Reid and Lyor Cohen ensure are the first songs out to introduce a new artist to the world. Yes, I participated in doing the "Run It" dance along with every 21+ year old who secretly did it in private. Ok, I admit...I liked the song. Still do. But then came, "Yo".

Chris' second single, "Yo", reminds me of something that has been missing for a long time. It's hard to describe. When I hear the brige of the song where he's rapping and his vocals are harmonizing in the background, I feel something I haven't felt in a long time. Not since hearing Earth, Wind, and Fire's "September", have I felt that warm and fuzzy feeling that I get when I hear a song that has, for lack of a better phrase, just been done right. You can't describe it. It's that "thing" you hear about when teenagers of the 70s tell us, "Music nowadays doesn't give you the same feeling that it did back in my day." Well...guess what? That feeling is back...at least in Chris Brown's "Yo".

Now don't misunderstand...in no way do I mean to say that Mr. Brown is on the level of EWF, or even that he's a phenomenal singer/entertainer. He's not. Personally, I think that Usher could still kill him in both the singing and dancing departments. Chris' dancing isn't as smooth as Usher's. His voice isn't as clear and I don't find him sexy. Perhaps that's becuase I'm grown and I really don't dig men under 23. Whatever it is, there is something about that Chris Brown gives me a chill whenever I hear "Yo". Whatever he's got going for him is working for the crump dancing, 16-year-old from Cali. Don't know if he can keep it up and those premonitions of what is to come for him seem slightly premature. But judging off of his star power thus far, even I, entertainment cynic that I am, am just about ready to put my stamp of approval on the Chris Brown brand.

Rite of Passage

In exactly 9 days I will have been with Mr. K-Star the Great for an entire year. Time flies! This is the longest relationship I've ever had and I can't believe it's only been a year. Perhaps it's because I respect him, he respects me and we have fun together. I haven't gotten tired of him. Usually, I'd be feeling smothered and annoyed by someone at the 6 month mark. My last relationship lasted 7 months and I swear, it felt like 7 years. But, I can honestly say that my boo is the best friend I have ever had, aside from my family. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he's willing to cut somebody if need be. lol Not to take away from my best homegirl who I know would "stab a bitch", as she says, but Mr. Clark is the man. Gotta give props where props are due.

I had a conversation the other day with an individual who attempted to diss my dude suggesting that he might be "soft" or "not real". Let's get something straight. There is NO MAN on earth that will ever compare to Kevin Lee Clark, and I'm not just saying that because I'm with him. I know at least 25 women who would kill for a man who does the things he does for me. He puts my well-being above all else. This man took an ad out in the paper, for no reason at all just to tell me how much he loves me. When my car battery died, he got a new one for it without my asking. He came to my house with a dress and shoes and told me to go put it on cuz he was taking me to an expensive restaurant in downtown Cleveland. When we got there, he had paid his friend to drive up to Cleveland and serenade us while we ate. And no, it wasn't for Valentine's Day or my birthday. It was the middle of January and it was just because. Another time, I came home and he had placed about 20 "I love you" notes all around my apartment. On the toilet, in the fridge, in my underwear drawer, inside one of my boots. I was finding notes for 3 days straight. He spends time with my nephews. My family loves him and he loves them. So you say, "What's so special about that? That's what he's supposed to do." Yea, but how many men do you know that actually do it? Think about it.

Does that make him whipped? Hell no. That makes him a real man and anybody who thinks contrary to that needs to check their own relationship and figure out why they've got mine on the brain instead of enjoying theirs, if they've even got one.

Not to say that Kevin and I always get along; that would be a lie. Yes, he pisses me off. Yes, I piss him off. But the ratio of good to bad is about the same as the ratio of gay men to straight men in Atlanta: about 10:1. My love with my sweetie is a many splendid thing and I and blessed to be living this life with him. Let's pray for many more years to come.

Behind the Lens

So I'm almost done with my first real movie and I'm so excited. The premier is in 6 days and I feel like I just learned how to tie my shoe or something. Everytime I look at it during the editing process it gets better and better and better. It's frigging awesome!

I think I'm in love with my film teacher. Not in a romantic way but in a figurative sort of meaning. She's opened this whole world to me that I didn't know of before. I look at movies in a totally different way now. I see them asthetically and I notice mistakes that other people wouldn't give a second thought. Take 'Sugar Hill' for instance. Did you know that Westley Snipes has on a purple suit and a black shirt in the scene right before he goes to pick up Theresa Randle's character and once he gets there, he's got on a purple suit and a white shirt. And it was sooooooooooooo obvious to me. I told my cuzzo and she argued tooth and nail with me about it until I made her ass sit there and watch it 3 times. 2 points for me!

I find it amazing how fun you find your job when you've found something that really inspires you and allows you to have fun. A fun job and a bomb relationship are the keys to happiness, I think. I've got both. Let's hope it stays that way.

Trimming the Fat

What's good everybody. Thanks for stopping thru. You could be anywhere else, but you're here with me and that's real, so let's get started.

First, I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I'm not really into letting a whole lot of random folks into my brain world to see what I'm concocting next, but my man, along with a lot of my other peoples do it, so I figure, why not give it a whirl. See how I like it, ya know? Ok, this isn't the first day of fall semester, so let me quit rambling with the pseudo-syllabus and just get to what's on my mind.

What might that be, you ask? I've got a lotta shit on my mind right now. For one, I'd like to know where the hell these 10 pounds I gained came from. It's almost like they crept up on me in the past 4 days. I know that sounds crazy, but I'm dead-ass serious. I literally weighed 10 lbs less 5 days ago.

Why is it that women stuggle so much with the idea of gaining weight? It's not fair. Dudes don't get pissy if they gain ten pounds. Bet, that if my man gained 10 pounds he's probably throw himself a party, but me...no. If I gain 3 pounds I'm having a fit.

How come on tv dude's can be big as Tyler Perry's house and be sexy? But if a chick is up there looking like Biggie's Twin sister, she's either the jolly fat giant or she's the fat friend with low self esteem? Ruben Studdard is fat. Very fat to be exact. But he's "the velvet teddy bear". Get the hell outta here with that nonesense.

I looked at myself today and said "Damn you've gotten quite thick there, homegirl." (Yes, I said those exact words) And I didn't mean thick as complimentary...I was trying my damndest not to say "fat". I've never been a skinny girl. Always had some meat on mah bones but it's really getting out of hand now. Honestly, I'm not fat, but I'm not confortable where I am, either. If I'd just listen to my boo, I'd know that I'm beautiful regardless of how huge or un-huge I am. But that's what he's supposed to say. I'd like for him to be able to carry me thru the threshold on our wedding day...not the other way around. I've got to do something. I'm calling Nutrisystem tomorrow.